My son's size 9's....

What a whirlwind time I've gone through in the past few days! Never have I realized more than this weekend that my son is growing up quickly.

Although he's only 12 years old, he has size 9 feet...same as me. He is probably only six inches shorter than myself. Of course, at 5'7", I'm not all that tall, huh?

To understand this weekend I must delve into a little history. My ex-wife and I agreed from early on in our separation that we would not force the issue of my sexuality on Matthew. Our theory behind that was that, "when he is ready to ask the question, he's ready to know the answer". With that said, I've never hidden anything from him. He'll occasionally watch episodes of "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" with me. I've got rainbow mats adorning my front and rear doors. When I was in a four year relationship, Matthew had his bedroom, and my ex- and I had ours. But he'd never asked, so we never told.

After arriving home from school Wednesday, he called me like normal. After discussing the normal items on the daily agenda (homework, etc.), we got on the subject of "The Amazing Race". He then proceeeded to tell me that he was glad that the gay couple were eliminated, because they were "sinners". I then reminded him of other "sins" found in Leviticus and that he should not "judge, lest he be judged".

On Thursday, he did not call like normal. After about 20 minutes, I rang my ex-wife, who mentioned that she had just picked him up and they were going out to dinner with her family. Okay, nothing wrong here. Then on Friday, she called me at work to say that, on Wednesday evening, he had finally asked her if I was gay. Previously, she'd agreed that she would let me answer that question, but at the time she asked, she felt she had to answer the question. He was in shock and very angry and afraid for my soul. He didn't go to school Thursday or Friday. It was only when she called that he had decided that he would still spend the weekend with me.

I was a basket case. I had wanted to be the one to tell him, hoping it would "soften the blow". When I picked him up Friday evening, he seemed very distant, and didn't want to hug me at first. He told me that he knew I was gay, and that he knew that his mom had told me that he knew. I pointed out to him that I was the same father who loved him and cared for him very deeply, just as I had two weeks ago...and two months ago...and two years ago. He then said, "Dad, I have only one real question: why?" I just simply stated that it was a part of who I am...not the only part, and not the biggest part of who I am. He then said that he still loved me like always. I responded by saying that I wasn't going to force him into a discussion...but if he ever wanted to talk about it, I would talk to him.

From that point on, the weekend went pretty much like every other weekend. Same amount of smiles from him, same hugs and kisses, same game playing. We even went over to Michael and Dan's house Saturday, since Michael had his boys. I mentioned to Matthew that he didn't have to talk about anything if he didn't want to; however, if he wanted to talk to Michael's sons, he was allowed to do so. The subject was never brought up. We all played a fun game of Dungeons & Dragons that evening, and Matthew seemed like all was cool.

Today was the same. Aside from oversleeping for church, we went about our daily routine like normal. I made breakfast, we played a lot of games together, and we went out for dinner at Burger King before I dropped him off. As for this weekend, I'm still his "best buddy".

Yet there is a big part of me that thinks this isn't over yet. Maybe I'm being too cynical. Maybe he is fine with things. I can't help but feel that the other size 9 hasn't dropped yet. I get him again this coming weekend, and we'll see how events play out.

Come what may, I still know that my son will continue to love me.